Discovering worth within the Raiders, Falcons and… Panthers???

There are lots of actors who play James Bond, however there is just one James Bond. It’s the identical primary precept with Rhode Island Scumbags.

These icons — heroic figures to these blessed sufficient to have grown up within the state that struck America’s first blow for freedom, screeching goblins to the unlucky majority who haven’t — arrive for a era, go away indelible recollections (on this case, of misplaced bets and winless Decembers) and fade into the center distance.

That is all my means of telling you the smoke pouring from the hallowed split-level ranch close to Conimicut Seaside has gone from black to white. We’ve chosen a brand new Rhode Island Scumbag to steer us as our betting sherpa at For The Win.

The outdated Scumbag? He’s wonderful, retired to a farm someplace upstate (which, in Rhode Island, is Massachusetts).

He was busy coping with a new child or defending his nation or planning a category motion go well with in opposition to DraftKings for not providing odds on native highschool cross nation meets. It was an entire factor and if we’re being trustworthy I are likely to tune the man out someplace after the third or fourth time he refers to a grown man as “kiiiiiid.” He did say good issues about my Kyle Pitts decide within the draft, nevertheless, which excites me for the Atlanta tight finish’s upcoming 400-yard season.

There have been a number of candidates for the job from a fantasy league actually referred to as the “Rhode Island Scumbag League.” Half of them are functionally illiterate, which helped slim issues down.

One falls for hoax tweets roughly as soon as every week and should be ready for Julio Jones to be traded to the Patriots. One man teaches poetry, so you recognize he’s swimming in an excessive amount of money to slum it up right here. And I figured the man who brags about his successful bets moments earlier than grocery buying at Greenback Tree would unintentionally make this column the sort of tragic quick story solely Hemingway might write.

Happily, our vice commissioner had been coaching for this with weekly league updates. That meant he might a) write a number of sentences with out main grammatical errors, and b) that’s just about the one qualification right here.

Chances are you’ll discover our new Scumbag reads, stylistically, just like the outdated one. This may occasionally persuade you that is some sort of elaborate cover-up to bury the Scumbag 1.0 and his horrible betting file with him. However I guarantee you, that is how everybody from Rhode Island sounds. Possibly not amongst blended firm out of state, however actually when confronted with different Rhode Islanders or a bag of Iggy’s clamcakes.

Anyway, let’s let him introduce himself:

The smattering of readers will in all probability discover that one thing appears somewhat off with the Rhode Island Scumbag as we open the 2024 NFL season. “He appears extra properly spoken, extra polished, and a tad much less abrasive. What offers”? Nicely, there’s a purpose for that. The Rhode Island Scumbag that you simply all know and love/detest is now not capable of sustain with the rigorous dedication of sending Chinz just a few paragraphs per week spinning soliloquies relating to his favourite wagers.

Fortunately for everybody concerned, our boy and resident betting/alcohol authority was capable of pluck me from the annals of the RISL message board and see if I can maintain a candle to the unique Scumbag. Now what necessities go into one being bestowed such an superior energy, apart from the truth that I truly reside throughout the Rhode Island state traces?

My grandfather’s bar was one of many first in Rhode Island to put in a projection display screen TV within the ‘70s for the perfect Monday Evening Soccer viewing expertise. My uncle ran an NFL pick-em racket out of his backpack in highschool. My grade college years have been spent tagging together with my dad and uncles to satisfy their boys at gap within the wall bars, taking part in keno with my brother whereas my dad, uncles and their associates taught us the right way to wager on the ponies and browse spreads. I prefer to assume this has ready me for the function. I’m trying ahead to some pleasant [ed. note: is it…?] trash speaking with my boy Chinz as we duke it out for wagering supremacy.

Nicely, after a mere 700 phrases we’re able to precise discuss soccer bets. The Rhode Island Scumbag’s performs are under, adopted by my non-scumbag picks.

Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports activities

Las Vegas Raiders (+3.5) over Los Angeles Chargers (two items)

So far as the followers are involved, The Las Vegas Raiders could as properly be getting factors at house. So-Fi Stadium will likely be overrun with the rabid black and silver coated devoted eliminating any house area benefit for the Chargers. This could solely assist In a recreation that might very properly find yourself relying on which protection is ready to take over the sport.

Each offenses undertook main personnel overhauls, and will take a while to hit their strides. Taking a leap of religion in Vegas someway appears safer than a hobbled Justin Herbert and his island of misfit receivers. Finally, I’m keen to place my religion (and two items) in a relentless Raiders protection and Gardner Minshew pulling some performs out of his butt and in flip invoking Minshew Mania model 3.0.

Todd Kirkland/Getty Photos

Atlanta Falcons (-3) over Pittsburgh Steelers (two items)

This could be my favourite recreation on the Sunday slate for the dramatics alone. Arthur Smith goes to the AFC, solely to must open his season again within the NFC in his outdated stomping grounds of all locations. The final time he walked off that area as a head coach, his concept of fooling the NFL by underneath using his most harmful playmakers (one thing my boy Chinz tried out throughout the RISL fantasy season final 12 months to no avail) and successful video games out of spite nonetheless bared a glimmer of Wild Card aspirations.

Now, these harmful playmakers are joined by a revamped protection that includes a sure (sorely missed) pink sleeved wrecking ball and thru the roof vibes introduced on by Raheem Morris and firm. Mr. Limitless Russell Wilson and the Pittsburgh offense didn’t look nice this preseason, mixed with Smith’s overthinking ought to make for a tough day for the Steelers.

Atlanta appears to be prepared to show a nook, and an offensive explosion led by the trio of freed Kyle Pitts, Drake London and Bijan Robinson occurring in Smith’s face whereas he’s pressured to observe from the opposing sideline is just too good for me to go up for 2 items at -3.

Grant Halverson/Getty Photos

Shocker of the week: Carolina Panthers (+4.5) over New Orleans

The story of two franchises on reverse paths collide in New Orleans, and I’m all for backing the upstart Panthers on this one. The Panthers revamped wideout room and improved O-line ought to assist Bryce Younger look extra just like the prospect he was presupposed to be, moderately than the practice wreck that all of us witnessed final 12 months.

Then we’ve got the Saints. What have they performed to make anybody consider that they need to be 4 level favorites on this matchup? Chris Olave has one other 12 months of expertise and a superb offensive system to construct off? Cool. I’m fairly positive he had one of many worst (if not the worst) catch percentages on deep balls in 2023.

Did Derek Carr magically develop the flexibility to hit him in stride 40 yards downfield? He IS nonetheless the QB for so long as he can maintain off the Rattlesnake. Alvin Kamara is 47 years outdated in RB years. Juwan Johnson is simply coming back from harm, and Rasheed Shaheed can solely achieve this a lot. We’re merely asking Carolina to maintain the sport inside a area objective. I truthfully consider that is attainable. I’ll take Carolina and the factors for 2 items on this one.

Final week: n/a
Final 12 months (with a distinct Scumbag): 31-26-1 (.544), -5.2 items

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My non-scumbag picks: Indianapolis Colts (+3.5) vs. Houston Texans and Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3) vs. Washington Commanders (one unit every)

In my weekly picks column, I talked about how I believe the Colts, with their cohesion and receiving depth, can create an issue for a Texans staff dealing with a ton of stress to go above and past final 12 months’s breakthrough. I’m nonetheless on board, however getting three-plus factors at house is a pleasant bonus.

I’m somewhat confused by the Bucs’ line, because it suggests a Commanders staff that was second-worst within the NFL final season and nonetheless very a lot in a rebuild is on equal footing with Tampa on a impartial area. I perceive Dave Canales’s departure might have a dynamic impact on Baker Mayfield’s play and that the Bucs’ run offense continues to be unimpressive at greatest, however nonetheless. Washington’s preseason cuts counsel 2024 is all about separating itself from the Ron Rivera period and constructing long run, not essentially fielding the perfect gamers it could possibly this fall.

Final week: n/a
Final 12 months: 41-18-4 (.695), +23 items